"Ki-Ki Do You Love Me?"
Hi guys! Happy hump day! We are halfway through the work week! Can someone say, Halleluuuuu?! *sips wine* I decided to create this post because I was completely inspired by a Sunday message from Pastor Andy Thompson of WOCC in Durham. He talked about Good Marriages: What It Is & What It Ain't. Now, I'm not married, so I couldn't relate so much with the married portions, but I could definitely relate to how some of the points connected with relationships in general. With this post, I decided to put my own little spin on it, and give y'all some TRUE tea about relationships from my experience. Straight talk, no chaser! Now, we've all been in relationships, whether good or bad, and you would think by now we would know what we want, but sometimes that's not the case! Sometimes, we think we met Mr/Mrs. Right and we get all giddy and cute and want to love on them, and BAM! We get played. It's life.
The TRUE tea is that many studies have shown that we only fall in love with three people in our lifetime. THREE. (Stop counting the side pieces) I SAID T H R E E! The first love is what I call "Puppy Love". You remember this love. Your high school sweetheart. Neither of you had a car, but you had each other. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairy tales we read as children. This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake, and probably our families, but if you had a black mama like mine, you weren't dating until you were 30. Anyways...flashbacks lol We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be. With this type of love, how others view us is more important than how we actually feel. It’s a love that looks right, but remember, everything that glitter ain't gold.
The second love is what I like to call the "Love With Limits". Now, this is the hard love. This is the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation. We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons, but we hang on. This is the love where TIME plays a factor. You know they ain't shit, but you've already spent so much time investing in them, grooming them, molding them that you don't want to start over. Right? Sound familiar? Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before. Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this storyline, because it’s the emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high. With this kind of love, trying to make it work becomes more important than whether it actually should. It’s the love that we wished was right. This is the GET YO LIFE love! K sis?
Lastly, you have what I like to call "A Love Supreme". This is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it. This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are. We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core. It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true. This is the love that keeps knocking on our door regardless of how long it takes us to answer. It’s the love that just feels right. Maybe we don’t all experience these loves in this lifetime, but perhaps that’s just because we aren’t ready to. Maybe the reality is we need to truly learn what love isn’t before we can grasp what it is. Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years.
Perhaps it’s not about if we are ever ready for love, but if love is ready for us. You have to ask yourself, "Am I ready for love?" Are you emotionally, mentally, and physically capable of loving someone? Do you love yourself first? I often hear people say, "Love is hard work! It's a job!" See, I disagree with this statement. Now, yes, it does take time and effort to develop and build, but it should never be hard. This love should be effortless, freeing, open. It should consistently remind you why you fell in love with this person from the beginning even through the arguments and disagreements. It should be healthy! Remember, a healthy love starts within. "You love yourself, you love others."-Pastor Andy Thompson
And then there may be those people who fall in love once and find it passionately lasts until their last breath. Those faded and worn pictures of our grandparents who seemed just as in love as they walked hand-in-hand at age 80 as they did in their wedding picture—the kind that leaves us wondering if we really know how to love at all. But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones. They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love. But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not. It's about getting on the same page and staying there. Remember, just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now. What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love, or instead love without limits. We can all choose to stay with our first love, the one that looks good and will make everyone else happy. We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love. The one that feels like home without any conditions; the love that isn’t like a storm, but rather the quiet peace of the night after. Sometimes we have to think that maybe there’s something special about our first love, and something heartbreakingly unique about our second…but there’s also just something pretty amazing about our third.
The one we never see coming.
The one that actually lasts.
The one that shows us why it never worked out before.
a love supreme.
And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because being with them is worth the wait. <3