What We Not Finna Do: A Word!
Hi guys! Cheers to making it to Wednesday! *sips wine* I wanted to share with you an AMAZINGLY relatable and real book that I came across by Erin McLaughlin called What We Not Finna Do: The Broken Girl's Guide to Love. I am not usually a fan of these types of books because they can always be so biased and outdated, and they typically remind me of the Steve Harvey books, you know the Think Like a Man and Straight Talk, No Chaser "guide" for women on how to find love. Coming from a man of many divorces, I would always ask myself while reading those books, "How can Steve Harvey, a man that obviously wasn't successful at love on numerous occasions, guide me?" I mean the blind can't lead the blind. Come on somebody! (Love ya Steve, but got to keep it real). Although I typically feel this way about many books of this style, this book right here was TOTALLY different. I felt like I was kickin it with the girls talking about our trash ass past relationships, sippin wine, and GETTIN MY LIFE! I felt like Erin read me for filth throughout this entire novel, and I loved it. So boom! Here's the tea:
What We Not Finna Do: The Broken Girl's Guide to Love is a lover's guide filled with ten chapters of advice focused on the actions women need to take in order to break unhealthy dating habits in relationships. In this novel, McLaughlin shares many inspiring and hilarious anecdotes of her dating past and her muse of writing this novel; heartbreak. What I love that she talks about on her website is the concept that so many women go through shitty relationships, whether they are casual "situationships", friends w/ benefits, or down to the abusive, manipulative "You won't find another me" bullshit that women go through each and everyday. I can speak for myself on that matter. Thinking that he was ALL I had, and that I would never find better because that's what he told me, and like many women, we believe that. We honestly and truly believe that we will never find better, and it's sad. BABYYYYY let me tell you, there is ALWAYS better. There is always someone willing to do what someone else won't do. There is someone out there where you don't have to beg for your expectations to be met, they just meet them. So, don't believe anyone when they say those tired bitter lines. Next, the healing process is null and void and as women, we don't have a clue where to go from there. Some women don't even know what they are healing from or why they need healing. Others don't see an issue, and that my friends, is an ISSUE. So what happens is we go through this continuous cycle of "Am I the problem?" "What am I doing wrong?" and we end up finding ourselves right back in those same fucked up situations again and again because of comfort. (I'll talk more about that later, so grab your wine, hide your kids and hide your wife!).
See What We Not Finna Do Is...K's Get Your Life Tutorial:
1. Stop Thinking That Every Person You Meet is THE ONE: SISSSSSSSSS...how can you know if he/she is the one, if you don't get to know them? The ins and outs of them, how they move, how they treat their family/friends, their gestures, hell do they brush their teeth? Do they even text back? Does the fart shoot out their ass a certain way? I mean really! Sooo many women mess up because they are so ready for somebody to put a "ring" on it, but yet they have no idea about the person and vice versa. Hell, I need to know if you know Martin lines before we can even make it to the first date! Come on somebody! Every person is NOT relationship material. Check the hood of the car before you out here riding around thinkin that's your man/woman and they don't even know you exist! Okay sis? You feeling what I'm putting down?
2. Ain't Nothing Wrong With a Good ol Friend Zone: One of the biggest takeaways that I got from this book is something that I am ALWAYS preaching to my friends and something I live by for myself; be friends first! That whole "talking" phase is trash because there still are no boundaries set, and you still have the potential to be out here looking stupid. Going into a relationship without romantic intentions is KEY! I don't know how many times I've gone into a relationship thinking that's my man because we're "talking" and then I see them on Instagram posting another woman or thinking that we are going to be something and the something is actually nothing and then you find yourself out here slashing tires and going on stakeouts. NO SIS! NO! Not worth the time! Friends first not only protects you, but you can really look at the person through a fine toothed comb. Some of the BEST relationships stem from friendship that blossomed, and turned into beautiful and healthy relationships in the end. BABY STEPS. Crawl before you walk. Or in adult terms, eat before you drink! Got it? Creating a platonic relationship for as long as you can will really help you feel them out before jumping into anything serious. You both not only save time, but also less heartache in the end, so don't be stupid!
3. Stop Dumping Your Life Struggles on People: I'm sorry but WE DON'T CARE! I don't know how many times I see people on social media ESPECIALLY Facebook dump their entire lives onto people they don't even know! Yep. The entire world now knows that Ray-Ray getting evicted and didn't pay the rent. Okay, okay! I get that social media is an outlet for some people, but if you need to talk about your second baby daddy who is not paying child support, GET A JOURNAL! Same, when meeting people. Stop dumping your life story onto the people that you meet. This is not Keeping Up With The Kardashians. A lot of people don't really seriously want to get to know you. They are just nosy. They want any reason to escape from the bullshit that they are going through, so your problems are intriguing. Instead of truly helping you or listening to you, they are actually taking notes of when to throw it in your face the next time you don't respond to their "Can you do me a favor?" text. It is not uncommon for people to dig into your personal life solely for entertainment, but there are also people who are actually genuine and DO want to get to know you and listen to you. Know the fine line!
4. Settling + Comfort = Get Your Life: A lot of the reasons that I find that people go back to the same thing that they are used to is because it's comfortable, convenient, readily available. So many people are afraid of starting over, but would you rather start over with someone fresh or consistently deal with the same baggage of the person you keep going back to? Sadly, many people including myself at one point, choose the baggage. Why is that you may ask? One word. COMFORT. It's easy, they already know how the person moves, but the part that consistently gets skipped is the fact that it's toxic. Why keep indulging in someone who you know ain't shit, you've seen ain't shit, but for some reason, you think they are going to miraculously "change". First of all, change is a choice. People will change on their time and sadly, when they are with someone else. I used to always say, "I'm basically teaching him how to be a better man for the next woman" and yeah, you kinda are, especially when you continue to wait for the "change" that isn't gonna happen. For those of you who continue to stay, ask yourself, "What is the incentive for staying?" Why do you feel that this ONE person out of about 8 billion people is worth your time being consistently wasted? If it's sex, quick reminder: you can get good sex anywhere. Hell, even escorts are offering low rates (hey, keeping it real). Remember, you can get sex anywhere, but sanity? That comes a dime a dozen. If you can answer those questions without a shadow of doubt, then stay. If you have any form of doubt, you are on the right track to K's Get Your Life Tutorial.
5. Love Yourself Girl Or Nobody Will: I repeat...be your own person! Still go get brunch with the girls or play basketball with the guys. Still have ladies night with Netflix, gossip, and tequila! Still BE YOU! If you went to church before you met them, continue to go to church when you're with them! Don't stop your day to day activities and the things that made you who you are for ANYONE! I love that Erin says, "Your partner or even someone you're talking to isn't obligated to be up your ass about everything all the time and include you in everything that they do, but they do need to be thoughtful from time to time and make the effort to include you in their lives if they are serious about you." That's so true! If they truly want to get to know all parts of you, they will make an effort to do so. There needs to be a balance between the both of you having lives of your own, but also including each other in those important moments of progression. As Erin says, "You have to learn to function and live your own life by your own standards and rules without the constant validation and inclusion of your partner." In other words, BE YOU!
Welcome to the launch of my new book blog! Thank you all soooo much for reading and I can't wait to hear your thoughts, ideas and comments! Enjoy! :)